Thoughts on drugs written to a man with whom I had a short romance

And then there’s the weed thing. You and I
obviously grew up in very different
circumstances… and it’s interesting to me
that I seem to be attracted to men who have
what I’d call a purity of character..
perhaps this is part of opposites attract..
and by that I don’t mean I’m ‘impure’ but
as I said, I’ve lived on the edge of life..
and that was then..

And this only highlights the things that crop up in
relationship, when we discover stuff that
rubs up against our model of the world..
and we can choose to withdraw or to
explore.. what’s going on with me in
respect to this.. it seems to me that you
have chosen to explore and for that I
salute you…

Smoking pot, dope, weed began as a fun
thing… and later I got that it helped me
focus.. and in terms of health I don’t
think it’s as bad as cigarettes… And like
all things I do know that moderation is
key.. and moderation is something I am
constantly learning… to embrace… I am
not great at this… and it’s not a full on
MUST thing.. but today I found myself
getting excited, high on life… and the
potential of this new project..

But more than that, the major factor was
what you wrote… your mail turned me on…
deeply…and got me high! And I found
myself grabbing the bottle of wine and
pouring out a tiny glass… [Carrie  drinks a
tiny glass at lunch - 1/4 of a wine glass]
and that’s what I noticed.. how my natural
high needs damping down…and that in the
past, I might have gone on and had more..
but it was enough to sit in the sun and sip
and then be done..

I talked to  Carrie’s brother
about smoking.. he smokes pot, discreetly and
occasionally, to lighten his intensity, [he
has had some very out of this world
experiences in his time and at one time had
a large group of followers, but he withdrew
from the whole thing...

His experience now is
to live life at the very basic level.. He
spent time in the tradition of native
American people, who use various drugs to
experience the 'isness' of it all.. running
sweat lodge experiences, using drugs not to
get high...but to go deeper... It wasn't
until recently, the last few years that I
noticed I could use pot or weed in this way.. and
at the same time I knew that I would like
to find a natural way to equalise the
high...

I have been in the past highly
excitable.. some used to call me OTT - they
don't call my enneagram number the
'enthusiast' for nothing..and over the
years I've calmed that down... my practice,
for what it is, is to be present, to be
quieter, to be more here... and yoga is
very important to me for that reason... and
it's a lifelong thing... and every day
little by little... no major
breakthroughs.. a real practice..

In some way it helps me to disappear as I tune into
the world and channel information in.....
and I'm not using it now.. AND I don't need
it.. and also it's something I want to let
go of...but not say 'no for ever' to...
just like the cigarette and alcohol thing
we discussed when we were together.

There is much I want to let go of and whether I
can or not is another matter.. I don't mean
habits, but more the 'stuff' of life as I
see myself drawn in with gadgets, etc...
and sometimes wearing simple easy clothes
at home wondering why I need any of this...
I'm questioning it all...

There's also a culture around 'drugs' that many people
have been taught is wrong, evil etc... and
in some ways the culture of what's going on
with kids today is dangerous.. life isn't
as sweet as it was when I was a kid.. more
deprivation, more stress, more goal
setting, go getting must have/do stuff...
and kids are under huge pressure and more
liable to addiction for the wrong
reasons...

I understand fully how it may be
very alien to you.. with possible beliefs
around it... as some kind of bad thing....
and in the wrong hands and under the wrong
circumstances.... it is, when people are
taking anything to blot out the horrors of
the world or because life is so painful..
and I recognise the danger for me...

I have tried a lot of drugs in my time, gone to
the edge, and done more than many.... and
come back.... and age mellows me...

We all have drugs, each time we buy something that
isn't purely functional, or we take a drink
or we watch a movie, we're escaping being
present... for a moment or few... I think
this is a great point of learning for both
of us... to understand and explore
another's viewpoint.. thank you for being
willing to explore...

As you get to know me you'll notice how I'm very
easy going about things... and open to other people's
ways... part of life's pathway, to be
always learning and open to what's not been
my way...

I deplore extremism of all
kinds... and dogma... preferring to dip
into many things and explore.. always an
exploration.. The Ritalin thing interests
me too.. a guy called, Thom Hartmann.
wrote about ADD and Ritalin.

He had a son diagnosed with 'ADHD' son and was
determined to find a non drug way... using
NLP.. to help his son. He used to campaign for it.. as well
as the planet, and now his biggest project
is government and corruption..

I am totally against giving kids Ritalin... as speed is
a chemical drug... and highly addictive...
and destructive.. as is weed to kids whose
brains haven't yet developed.. the frontal
lobes are so much more vulnerable until age
18 or so..

In some ways I am incongruent...
wanting to eat healthy food, and probably
do 75% of the time.. yet and yesterday I am
scoffing the left overs of Carrie's disgusting
macaroni cheese [albeit organic it's white
wheat and processed cheese!]… and eating
girl scout cookies..things I just don’t buy
at home.. and then smoking those
cigarettes.. I finished the pack.. and
haven’t bought any more…

I am aware of a level of gluttony on my part… a sort of
bacchanalian indulgence gene.. that I keep
in check but doubt I can ever totally let
go of… and I love the lustiness of food,
the sheer sensuality of eating with
someone… that overlaps into gluttony..
orgiastic indulgences…

Honesty begins here

Good morning.   This is a blog about the trials of being as self-help guru and addict who is often depressed, considers suicide and doesn’t always think positively.  My catch phrase is ‘I write my life’ and until now I’ve been too up my own backside to be really honest.  So folks, honesty is the name of THIS game.  

I’m sitting here smoking cigarettes , drinking coffee, getting ready to go to yoga and wondering whether I should light up a spliff.  I’ve been off the stuff for a week now and gone through a big depression.   Spliff gets me high and helps me focus and also brings huge downs.    

And while I’m trying to write positive motivational stuff all I want to do is go to bed and be depressed.   Funny thing is that when I woke up this morning, I had an epiphany to write this. I was lying there thinking as I often do about killing myself and how no one cared about me [boo hoo poor me!] and this idea came to me.  And then I had to laugh.  Cos I felt good.  Hey, that’s what it’s all about.  The ups and downs.

Hope you enjoy reading this and that it resonates with you… because there’s so much positive thinking and ra ra out there that I suspect many people like me have been sh t scared to admit they’re not feeling good, they do think about topping themselves and sometimes they’re needy.  Well that’s me folks.  How about you.  Do you get depressed?  Do you sometimes wonder if you can go on in this topsy turvy fast paced world?    If so, join me here and share the ups and downs of your life. 

I think this is probably the best form of self-help I can think of…

And now it’s time to take my blackened lungs off to yoga… where no doubt I’ll get envious, resent the teacher for not paying attention to me and try to stretch further and wider and better than that girl who always looks so holy and together.

And I can’t leave this without the thread of positive thinking that comes in for me.   When we talk about ourselves in this way, we are focusing on what doesn’t work.   And one of the things I’m preaching is ‘your word is your wand’.  So as I don’t want to be waving a doo-doo wand and prefer to wave sparkles, I’m going to have to say…. When the shitty self talk comes in, please, ask yourself… what do I want instead.   I’m doing that now.  

You are going to be subject to ups and downs and don’t for a moment think that people like me who do this work with others, don’t get low. I do, and I know others do.. but I’m not about to pretend I’m happy dappy all the time.     Life IS full of ups and downs and if you can at least remember in a down that an up is now on its way… it will help you…

more later…

Self Help Rebel